Just Words

As of yesterday afternoon I am the proud owner of a HP 54200A 50MHz Oscilloscope. Bidding was fierce. I had been looking at a Tektronix 100MHz scope but opted for the less expensive HP model when the bid went too high. How much did I pay, you ask? $40 US. Convert that to Canadian dollars, add the 16% auction fee and the shipping costs and I'm probably looking at $120-$150 before I'm finished. But let me assure you, that's a steal.

Picked this up at an online auction site called DoveBid that handles merchandise from companies that are closing down. There's a huge Nortel sale next week. Wish me luck. My new motto, say it with me, "Today an oscilloscope, tomorrow the world!"

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This weekend I ignored the world more completely than I have for a long time. It started when I forgot my phone at work on Friday. It was beautiful. People called me but I didn't notice. I went on MSN but only for a few minutes each time. I played World of Warcraft. Alone.

Maybe some people have noticed that I haven't been updating as much as I used to. It's because I haven't been well. My self-diagnosis is some kind of depression that I suffer for about a 50 days every 2 years. For quite some time now, starting in January of every odd year I withdraw from the world. I am simultaneously overcome with two very strong feelings. The first is an urge to let go of everything in my life or to, at least, have it be different in some way. The other is a sunken feeling that saps my strength and tears away my desire to fight back against anything that counters me. During these times I am at my most vulnerable. I feel sorry for myself and am constantly tired. The slightest obstacle can block me from even maintaining my status quo. It is for this reason that I withdraw.

I feel that no one else around me has to put up with me during these very odd phases. It is no one else's responsibility to pick me up but my own. My pride won't let me ask for help. Deep down I know I am strong enough to overcome whatever I face. Just not for these 50 or so days. On Sunday I started feeling much better. And that feeling has continued as far as today. For the most part, this seems to be over. Don't, however, expect me to be "back to normal" or in any way the same person I was before January. You'll likely be disappointed.

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A lot of stories about the devil involve the protagonist(s) being offering some kind of choice or game to play in an effort to win their freedom. But it's inevitably a sham. The game is fixed or the choice is a trick. But the real trick is not obvious. The devil is actually tricking the protagonist(s) into accepting their fate. If they agree to play the game then once they lose they are more pliable to giving up their soul. Another constant in these stories is that the devil needs you to actually say that you will give him your soul. In that moment your body would perform the necessary muscle contractions to say just a few words, and the devil would lock your inner being into that notion forever.

What if life were like this? Does the thing you say on one particular occasion lock you into that track for all time? A person might say something one day and then change their mind the next. Are they betraying the person they were just the day before by changing their mind? Are they necessarily fickle? Or are they, perhaps, reacting to new information or further reflection on the subject in question?

Lawyers think they have it right. Written contracts. Locking people into their words. Holding them to one constant thing for some amount of time into the future based on information they have at the present. But any good contract expires so that it can be re-evaluated based on new information. Any good plan is not so rigid that it can't be enhanced based on new information.

What if thoughts and emotions were the equivalent of words? This is the problem with telekinesis. If someone could physically affect objects based on the whim of their mind they would have to have a very disciplined mind. If thoughts and emotions were the equivalent of words then the devil could take one moment of guilt and use it to sentence you to eternal damnation. Has anyone out there felt guilty about something they did? Something they felt so bad about that they might feel they deserve to be punished? Or maybe thoughts and emotions are not an adequate basis for contractual obligations.

But what if we switch things up a little? What if you were in love with someone right now? Would that mean you're obligated to love them from this point forward? For all time? Would people call you shallow and fickle if you didn't? If you felt love once and you no longer feel it, does that mean that it wasn't really love? If you fell in love with each new person as they walked into your life would people call you inconstant? Would they call you a slut? Some people strive and strive to achieve some state of love without any thought of what they will do once they get it. Maybe there's some thought in their head about trapping love and holding onto it forever. Trying their hardest to resist any changes that threaten to railroad over them. But change is the unstoppable force that no wall can forever stand against. The only way love can outlast change is to work with it, not against it.

The man meets a beautiful woman and immediately wants her. But over time she will lose her beauty. So unless his reason for wanting her changes as she ages then he will undoubtedly feel the urge to trade her in for a younger woman later on. Perhaps some people find a way to blend their own propensity to change with their love for another. Perhaps some have found a way to accept the changes in their loved ones while giving them room to grow. Perhaps.

But what about the previous generations that have seen matrimonial pairings last for many decades or even, occasionally, until death? I think these have rarely been balanced relationships. Mostly it has been the wife's duty to change herself to suit her husband. To stay beautiful and youthful for as long as he requires (and many a transgression by an older man has been overlooked by his male peers for this very reason). To maintain a household in the same manner for as long as possible. Meals at every assigned mealtime. Clothes knitted and repaired. Laundry cleaned regularly. Routines fit for an autist. And we wonder why there are so many autists these days. The evolution of the human psyche is a strange and wonderful thing. In the past, women have even been expected to bend their religious and political opinions to match that of their husbands (or, as seemed so much easier, not holding any political opinions at all). Perhaps the women's liberation movement is the actual cause of the higher divorce rate. And perhaps the double standard forced upon women by (most) men is what you'll find when you look even deeper than that.

Couples always seem to break for the same essential reason. Things aren't the same as they used to be. It shows that they never planned for change. They felt their momentary attraction and attempted to wrap themselves up in that feeling for all time. Forever building on that first moment and always trying to get back to it. How many of you still remember the first moment you knew you had feelings for someone? Can you still remember the first time you met the other person? If you could go back to that moment right now, would you?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. The last time I truly wanted to stop time and hold onto one moment forever I was 18. The girl I was with was only 15 but she already knew that time would change us both. Looking back, I can see that she was defeated by the looming demise of our relationship. She took what happiness I could give her. And when it was time to move on, she did. I was angry. But I got over it, eventually.

Since then, I've been forever struck by the knowledge that nothing would ever stay the same way forever. I was never again in any kind of perfect situation. Whenever I was in any kind of relationship I always needed something else to change to make it better. I encouraged the change. But most the women I was with only wanted things to stay the exact way they had always been. They wanted to re-enact our first coupling over and over again in some kind of romantic syndication. And when they weren't re-enacting our first coupling they were using me to re-enact their experience with someone else. I never called them on it. I just went with it until it no longer brought me happiness.

They say first impressions are very important. And they're not kidding. Most people will identify you with the first time they saw you. The first way they knew you. They are stuck in that previous time and place. They need to meet new people so they can see people in a different light. So they can be seen in a different light. How many people have gone to their high school reunion only to find that they don't recognize anybody there? That nobody fits the mold you made for them in your mind back in high school? How many people have been the person that nobody recognizes? 4th dimensional thinking requires that you unlock your mind from your preconceived notions about things. It's just one small part of being "open-minded".

This propensity to resist change is everpresent in our society. We pour concrete onto perfectly fertile ground to bind it where it sits. A hard crust to keep the earth the same shape for as long as possible so we can indulge in our wildest unchanging fantasies. We build large buildings and rejoice in a triumph against the effects of time. It seems that this cannot be a concidence. One must have caused the other. But which came first? Did our yearning for unchanged love cause us to build hardened shells for the earth and structures and statues which we plan to preserve for all time? Or did the nostalgia of the few artifacts and ancient ruins that have changed to survive from ages past cause us to seek the same seemingly immortal qualities in our lovers?

We are trying to lock ourselves into some kind of 3-dimensional world. We want time to slow down or even stop. But it won't. Time is relentless. Will it, too, change someday?

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