Just Words

I watched Johnny Cash's biography last night. I heard a snippet of his cover of "Bird On A Wire". I was immediately struck by his performance. I downloaded the song this evening and now I'm stunned. The tremor in his voice and unhurried pace stir something inside me. When I hear it I can't understand how he could display so much emotion in his voice without thrashing his guitar against the floor and screaming into the microphone. I can't even hum along with it because I end up wanting to raise my voice in an attempt to equal his energy level. An energy level he reached with his voice held low and even. His strum never once picked up pace but i couldn't tell for sure until my third listen. With every word he sings it feels like he's going to explode from the restraint it must have taken to hold back the things that song brings forth. And when I hear it I feel like I'm in that balancing act between perfect calm and total chaos right along with him.

Just for kicks, I decided to compare it directly to Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone". I noticed that many of the feelings I get from the two songs are similar. Bob Dylan has to raise his voice in the chorus for emphasis but he's certainly not yelling or screaming. But again, I can't even to pretend to sing along without wanting to shout on those cues. "HOW does it FEEEEL..." Dylan's delivery is unrelenting with no guitar soloes or extended bridges. The entire six minutes is an unrelenting barrage of only slightly veiled meaning.

I challenge anyone to listen to either of these songs and feel nothing. Deny the words purchase in your heart. Remain ignorant to the images etched in your head. Claim that my description are wildly inaccurate and that you feel nothing. Listen to each song one time only and then throw them away.

|

New topic today. Is fear the opposite of courage or just the absence of it? I've thought about this a great deal and I'm not sure the two options are different. Light and darkness are clearly opposites, but darkness is defined as the absence of light. Are courage and fear less like opposites if one is merely the absence of the other? Is there a psychological advantage? Does it help to think of fear as being a lack of courage? Many people (I think perhaps too many people) have declared the opposite of courage to be cowardice. The distinction is important. In my mind, cowardice is not confronting something or someone that you realistically could face. In a sense, cowardice is more irrational than fear. Are you a coward if you avoid swimming in shark-infested waters? Fear can be an important part of survival. It is realistic fear to not wrestle a rhinocerous. It is irrational cowardice to not collect the eggs for breakfast because the hen is moody and will peck you.

I suppose special cases can be made. For example, on June 6, 1944 several hundred thousand Allied soldiers slogged through numerous beaches toward heavily armed German positions in Normandy. Clearly this was a great display of courage. This type of action is akin with wrestling a rhino. So recklessly suicidal as to seem laughably stupid. So how and why did it happen? What could have compelled so many young men to overcome what must have been obvious fear? The simple answer is a higher objective. For the same reason, people can be found doing all kinds of crazy things on reality TV every night. Humans are blessed with something called free will. This can overcome many basic urges and emotions. A man can choose to not cheat on his wife when he is confronted with a beautiful woman. A woman can choose to enter a burning building to rescue her child. And several hundred thousand soldiers can storm well-entrenched enemy positions under heavy fire. In each case there is an objective that will hopefully overcome whatever losses the participants incur.

Fear is instinctual. It shadows ignorance and lurks around every turn. Courage is a product of thought. Animals can display it but only when they are able to see a tangible gain from the action. It usually involves food or basic survival in some way. I think some would say that that's not truly courage. But I'm not sure that courage has to be selfless in order to exist. In fact I think most instances of courage occur on the selfish level simply because humans are essentially selfish beings. Before one can display courage in someone else's name one has to care for that someone else. Courage displayed for someone you don't know would indicate a general admiration for all humans.

When I feel courage and fear it never feels like the courage is replacing the fear of filling up an empty space that I merely recognized as fear. It feels more like the courage is ripping something from the middle of my chest like a caveman surgeon might remove a festering broken rib. And the fear fights to come back. It feels like my emotions are at war with one another over which has control of my body. My adrenaline surges and my limbs shake. I usually clench my gut just so my brain can get the impression that it still has conscious control over what's going on in my body. That's usually the moment where I make some move or take some action. As to which one wins more often, fear or courage, it's a mixed record. It's often difficult to tell which result is triggered by which stimulus. When someone walks away from confrontation, is it caused by fear or clear-headed restraint? When someone engages in confrontation, is it courage or a fear of what their adversary represents?

|

I woke up this morning and checked my stats to discover something interesting. Has anyone ever heard of a website called Netdisaster? It's a webite that allows you to view a website of your choice with an overlay graphic of some type of destruction. I received four options from one particular fan. The first was pretty boring. It was just a gun firing at the page. But the second was much better because after you fire the gun a bunch of times blood starts to drip from the top of the screen imitating real violence! The third was just bombs dropping periodically on the screen. But my favourite by far was the fourth. It allows you to choose the location where the bombs will drop on the screen. I was able to fill the screen with warheads and literally obliterate the entire view of my page. There are other options from the site itself including floods, dinosaurs and coffee spills. Check it out. More internet fun.

I'd like to thank the person who gave me this gift of virtual destruction. Thanks Patrick. This has been extra special. For a while there it was looking like you no longer cared.

|

I spent nearly the entire weekend with my nephew. He can be very tiring. Hats off to my sister and all the other full-time parents in the world. We went up to Thomson's place on Saturday where I spent $60 on a bunch of his old crap. But like they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure. I got this sweet rowing machine that I had my eye on for quite a while when we lived under the same roof. Oh yeah, and a soft ice-cream twirling machine that puts me in the same category as guys who build unrealistically huge bongs to smoke pot.

On a separate note, I met a woman tonight. She was nice and we exchanged numbers. That's all you're getting for now. I don't want to jinx it.

|

I have something I really want to blog about but I can't seem to make the words work. It's a very touchy subject so it must be handled just right or people might think very wrongly of me. Each time I try to get it out it's like I leave large portions unexplained or I have huge run-on sentences that make little or no sense. I have the idea of what I want to say in my head but each time I write about it it's a stunted, hurried mess. Maybe it's because I don't have this in my head so much as I have it in my heart and it's always been hard for me to translate that stuff into words. I envy the famous poets of the world who seem to have a direct link from their heart to their tongue. Throwing out deep, meaningful thoughts like so much trash. I would love to be able to say what I feel that way. For now I'll just fumble along and be thankful that at least here in the blogosphere I can take the time to choose my words carefully. If it takes another week, so be it. This will still be in my heart then just the same as it is now.

|

I've received interesting news on two fronts today. First, my new landlord told me there will soon be a new resident in the house. The only thing I know about him is that his name is Spencer. There aren't very many of us in the world but the name seems to be getting more common all the time. I discovered a long time ago that all other guys named 'Spencer' are imbecilic, immature and must go away. Sometimes I feel like The Highlander. Someday I'll go on a rampage and selectively kill all others with the name 'Spencer', drain their energy and add their strength to my own. There can be only one.

The other news is that my flight is booked and my hotel reservations have been made for my trip to Washington. Meeting bigwigs from the FCC and all the big players is slightly intimidating. I'm concerned that I won't know enough about the current rules to compete with everybody else who'll be there. Let the long nights of reading excessively boring technical compliance updates begin.

|

What would you do if you woke up tomorrow morning and all the material possessions you had accumulated thus far in your life were gone? House. Fridge. Stock of canned, frozen, dehydrated food stripped away with no grocery store around to restore your stocks. And no one interested in giving up what little food they have in exchange for your insignificant pieces of pretty printed paper. Would you know how to grow or hunt food? Would there be food to hunt? Modern cities are built on the premise that there will always be farmers with a surplus of food. The larger the cities get, the larger the amount of tractable land it takes to support that many people and, therefore, the farther the food must travel before reaching the cities. It's easy to see that without cheap, reliable transportation we would be forced to change our lifestyles drastically.

Let's forget about the food for a minute. What about possessions? Most of the bureaucratic machine is built on the premise that people who put value into something want it to hold value. It is a "process" that resists change of any sort until enough is known about the change that its outcome can be predicted accurately and favorably for those in charge. The fear that tomorrow might be a day when none of the material possessions one has accumulated will hold value is a major part of this machine. This fear holds the system together as glue holds together wood chips in a countertop. People have invested time and energy into things and they don't want that time and energy to be wasted. Are they throwing good energy after bad?

Power mongerers and people climbing to the top at any cost are different. They sow seeds of mistrust in the bureaucracy to get what they want from the unbelievers. They don't want the bureaucracy to fall and, indeed, they typically don't believe it can fall. These boat-rockers and mutineers aren't looking to tip the ship over. They are only looking to toss the captain overboard and replace him. Perhaps they have a slightly different vision for society but, all in all, they recognize the power structure for what its worth. When they gain power the first thing they do is close off the possibility of someone else gaining power the way they did. They seek to gain power and then hold onto it as long as possible. The best way to do that is to resist change.

We are not a society of people in love with the way things run. When you see a policeman, do you feel safe and secure? Or do you try to hide the things you've been doing wrong lately (speeding, marijuana, double-parking)? We actively break whatever rules we don't feel should apply to us and replace "law-abiding" with "never been caught". We settle for this because it's "the evil we know". I've heard that love is the strongest and most powerful emotion and that second place is given to hate. I'm not sure if a society has ever been successfully built on love, although I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus was working on at the time of his untimely demise. Could this be what his enemies feared most of all? Why don't the contemporary Christians openly display such passive love for their fellow humans? I know of at least one society that was built on hate. Nazi Germany only lasted 10 years or so before its self-proclaimed indestructibility brought destruction. But what has been the emotion that has been driving us lately? Fear. Fear of what would happen if we tried something else. Fear of the alternative.

I was once asked if I would kill Hitler in 1919 if I had had the chance. I responded that no, I wouldn't. The people involved in the discussion expressed surprise given my strong opposition to the actions of the Nazis. I explained that we, as a society, had already rolled those dice and come out on top. If I were to kill Hitler in 1919, there would be no telling how the last century would have turned out. For all I know, having one Hitler stopped five different Hitlers in five different countries from raising hell across the globe. Who am I to gamble with the world that way?

|

I've been thinking a lot about the 'mass man' concept lately and the few comments that have been kindly left on that post. There isn't an easy solution to this thing. There isn't one or two simple changes that will fix this. But I think there is something that will at least improve the situation. If each person individually raises their self-esteem above that of merely a face in the crowd, in essence above the 'mass man', then we can force change. People should stop saying things like, "I'm just one person, what can I do to make a difference?" and start saying things like, "Doing this will be good for me and everyone around me."

I think that elevating the 'mass man' makes people feel helpless as individuals. This is one of the reasons why committees and protests are so popular these days. People tend to feel empowered when they are a part of something tht they know other people are behind. Some people only feel empowered when they are part of the majority. Look at all the bandwagon-jumping going on in the world. People tend to love things that other people love and hate things that other people hate. The worst part is that most people don't realize why they are loving and hating these things. That's why we need public debate about issues. What people believe isn't as important as why they believe it. I've been working on something that's bound to cause a little bit of controversy. The important thing to keep in mind is that we shouldn't judge other people because they feel differently about something.

Fighting against a nameless, faceless enemy is very difficult. But I postulate that it's still best to fight it rather than to give in to it. Think sbout this. If the world was going to end in seven days, what would you do? Asking this question is usually a way to get people to admit to things they would only do if there were no consequences. But I've used this question to explore my own spirituality at length. I've come to the conclusion that if the world was scheduled to come to its inevitable conclusion at a given time I would be forced to try to stop it. I wouldn't be able to rest easily in whatever drunken debauchery most people joke about in this fantastical situation. I would only be content knowing that I was doing whatever it took to avoid the imminent doom foretold. Even if it's inevitable. Even if God himself were the driving force.

In my opinion, my life on this planet is the greatest gift I've ever received. And I will not sit idly by while it's taken away. Now that I'm surviving just fine and the world isn't ending, the second greatest gift in my life has been my freedom. And, just like my life, I won't give it away without a fight. Bring the hugest, most anonymous phantom (read: most bureaucratic) adversary you've got.

|

I've just completed yet another great work of fiction. Yes, my timesheet for the past two weeks has been authorized by my boss and in a few hours I'll be getting yet another paycheck. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I sluff off at work or anything. Nothing could be further from the truth. Usually, I'm just too busy to keep accurate track of what I'm working on from minute to minute. It's just so much easier to make it up on the morning that my timesheet is due. Plus, I keep notes on what I do so it's not like it's a total fabrication. Someday I'm going to put "Based Loosely On Reality" beneath the line where my signature goes just to see his reaction.

|

I had something important to talk about tonight but it's just not coming out right and I don't want to rush it or it won't make sense. Instead I'll give you this soundbite from a short story I read just last night called 'Committee Of The Whole.' It was written by Frank Herbert and included in a collection of his short stories titled 'The Worlds Of Frank Herbert.'

"Virtually every government in the world is dedicated to manipulating the 'mass man.' That's how governments have stayed in power. But there is no such man. When you elevate the non-existent 'mass man' you degrade the individual. And obviously it was only a matter of time until we were all at the mercy of the individual holding power."

|

I was told on Friday that, as long as it's in the budget, I will be going to Washington, DC in the middle of next month for a conference. I hate to talk about these kinds of things when they're not official yet but I figured that if I didn't announce it here and it got cancelled then I wouldn't be able to bitch about it here either. Leaving one thing out that leads to other things means that you eventually either leave the whole thing out or go into some messy, lengthy, and ultimately boring backstory to explain why you're so upset about something.

So anyways, it'll be three days in May. But more importantly it'll be a round-trip across the border to one of the most important cities in the world. I fully plan to go sightseeing at some point during my trip and, of course, I'll go see the White House. I know I've said some subversive things about President Bush in the past so I'd like to ease US security fears right now by proclaiming that my opposition is purely political and not personal. In no way do I intend any US citizen harm. Plus, I recognize that removing George W from office won't necessarily help my cause because in all likelihood Cheney would be worse. And that about covers the disclaimers.

So exciting! This is an excellent opportunity to practice something I've been working on called "preparedness". I'm told that I can still cross the border with just proof of Canadian citizenship but I think it would be a great idea to have a passport, just in case. I also think it would be a good idea to have some nice clothes to wear. I don't shop for clothes very much so this is a great excuse to get off my butt and do just that. Another thing on my list is to study the current cross-border duty rules to see what kinds of cheap goods I can carry back across with me. Oh yeah, and I guess there's all the studying I'll have to do for work stuff before I go. No rest for the wicked. Did I forget anything?

|

Where I work, we have an open air test site in the parking lot. Adverse weather conditions can postpone testing for weeks at a time. In an effort to erect a structure that will both look electrically like open air and keep the rain, snow and wind from stalling tests we bought a large air-filled rubber tent from China. Its original use was as a portable airplane hangar. It took several months to find a suitable tent for the right price and it requires two air blowers working constantly to keep the air-filled walls from collapsing the structure.

Once it was set up in January of this year we had a sense of victory. It was short-lived, however, as someone complained to the city about its presence within the first week. It is unclear what the basis of the complaint was. The air blowers work round-the-clock and are a little noisy but we're in the middle of an industrial zone so that should be perfectly fine. It's fairly tall but it's no taller than our two-storey building so it's not blocking any views. More likely that some Nosy Parker figured we were doing something "suspicious" (read: "out of the sight of nosy people"). The city inspector determined that a tent with air-filled walls does not fit the current definition of a "structure" and told us that it had to come down.

My boss appealed and the case is being settled sometime in May. But it looks likely, that the tent will have to come down. Very frustrating. But the story doesn't stop there. At some point this weekend someone gouged a 6 foot tear in the side of the tent, climbed under the deflated wall and attempted to walk away with a pallet jack that happened to be inside. I figure they had no idea what might be in there but decided that since it was physically within their means they might as well take a look. Upon looking and seeing the pallet jack (on wheels) decided that they might as well take it. After discovering just how difficult it would be to get the pallet jack under the extremely heavy rubber walls they decided to leave it half wedged under the tent wall. A 6 foot tear down the side of our tent that we were finally able to fix after several hours of work on Monday, for what? Nothing.

The psychology of this kind of random vandalism is interesting. Some people think that as long as it doesn't cost them any effort or grief (i.e. they won't get caught) they are willing to do any number of things to other people's property and possessions. A hard-working person would not have left without the pallet jack. An even more hard-working person would have gotten a job and made their own money without needing or wanting to steal. A decent person would have recognized that, although the tent wasn't worth much to them personally, it was obviously worth something to somebody and, for that reason, shouldn't be fucked with. Fucking theives.

This morning as I was getting out of my car (oh yeah, I got a car, didn't I mention that here?) a truck driver hurried out of his truck and rather angrily asked me what we were doing inside the tent. I patiently told him what we were doing and why and he seemed satisfied. He was much more concerned that something might be going on that he didn't know about than anything else. Like it's any of his business in the first place. He can't see through the walls of our office but he didn't ask what we were doing in there. I guess a two-storey tent with air-filled walls looks "suspicious".

So here's the official word. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's bad. Just because you're being kept out doesn't mean there's anything interesting inside. What might seem to you as the obvious reason for something may not be the actual reason. Just thought I'd let you know.

|

I've been waiting for this movie since sometime last fall. With this much expectation I was destined to be disappointed, right? Wrong. It was everything I asked for. I'm not sure you could call it an adaptation of a graphic novel (read: comic book) simply because it was too similar. Adaptation implies significant changes being made and I'm not sure that is the case here. The only difference between this movie and an actual paper version is that it smelled like a movie theatre. Oh yeah, and I guess the voices were pretty cool, too.

If you're the type of person who sees these graphic novels on the bookshelf and experience that particular sense of wonderment about what it might contain within its covers but are too "grown up" to actually buy it then definitely go see this movie. If you're the type of person who doesn't like a movie if it doesn't have "feelings" and "discussion" and a "moral" and all that touchy-feely crap then don't bother. You'll hate it.

|

Slipping in and out of consciousness. The body has had enough rest. But the brain still has dream-images to transfer. Clips and sequences interrupted by brief periods of wakefulness. Not even sure if my eyes fully closed while I slipped back to the dream-state.

In one sequence, a feeling of guilt about a hit-and-run accident. But not my own guilt. A disembodied empathy of someone else's guilt. I try to see who has felt this as I scan the room. I see that it is impossible to tell because all the suspects have been gathered in one place and are clamoring to profess their innocence. I experience no surprise as they all slowly morph into automobiles (still shouting protestations to a policeman behind a desk). The automobiles are roughly the size of humans and slowly getting smaller. I wake to think briefly on what, if any, meaning this might have in the conscious world.

Slipping back to another sequence. A blood-stained sheet is offered as evidence in a court of law by a private agency. Someone is trying to use it to prove someone innocent. For a brief moment I have the first-person perspective of the person who is offering the evidence. The authorites decide that the evidence will only stand if they send a neutral party with no prior knowledge of any perceived conclusion in this case to investigate. Partly because I realize the logic of this action but also partly because I don't want to show any doubt in my interpretation of the truth I say, "Go ahead. It doesn't bother me. I know what you're going to find." In the next instant a police officer returns with his own bloody sheet and an entirely new conclusion based on his own investigation and personal biases. The courtroom is hushed and for what seems like a long time I contemplate the possible inaccuracies of having inherently flawed humans in positions of investigative authority. Back to the land of the waking.

For about an hour this morning I drifted in and out like this. Most of the mini-dreams have faded from memory. These were the only two that remained clear enough to describe. I should also include the fact that during my waking moments I was tripping my way through a short story by Frank Herbert that took place in a courtroom. Dreams are strange and wonderful openings into our brains. Someday I hope to accurately and consistently influence the theme of my dreams. The plots and characters would be entirely produced by whatever it is that produces these things. In this manner, I could have potentially useful meditation on particular subjects of my conscious choosing.

|

I hate moving out. But I loooove moving in. This place isn't new. But it's new to me. New arrangement of the furniture. New places to put my stuff. New routines to fit into my environment. Fitting the same amount of crap in a smaller space makes me feel crowded and cozy at the same time. All my machinations in the same room no more than 15 feet away. And my own bathroom not 5 feet from my computer desk. For a geek like me, it doesn't get much better. Now if you'll excuse me....

|