Just Words

He has confidence in my abilities and isn't afraid to challenge me. Before I am done working for him I will have built an army or robots and forcibly installed world peace over a shattered planet. That is all.

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I hate social obligation. That feeling you get when you see somebody that you met once or twice with mutual friends and you have an unspoken responsibility to their feelings to say hello and be friendly to them. People come to expect that you greet them with a friendly smile or else you've snubbed them. It happens on IM when someone logs on and they just sit there. Sooner or later somebody is going to do the socially acceptable thing and say hello even if they have nothing really to say. And in a separate sense, the same thing happens with a blog. People want you to stay in touch. People want to constantly know what you've been up to and "what's new". And they want you to be as constantly interested in them the same way.

I don't want to be like that. I don't want to say hello to someone just because I've met them before. I don't want to send empty messages to people out of a need to let them know that I'm still alive. And I don't want to keep updating my blog just because other blogs are being updated. It's not that I don't like people. On the contrary. I love people. But I want to talk to them because I want their interaction. I want to say things to them that have meaning and will affect their lives. And it's not that I don't like my blog or don't want to continue updating it. It's that I want the things I put here to have meaning and to change the way people see the world. Maybe I'm expecting too much from myself. But there's nothing wrong with setting your goals high.

I grew up alone. Each grade, in each year, I had classmates and friends at school. But that was all they were. Friends at school. Amongst themselves they could exchange phone numbers and call each other about homework or girls or gossip or even hang out after school. I lived in a different area code. It was long distance to call anyone. And that was back in the day when long distance wasn't unlimited for a set monthly fee. You could conceivably get a bill for $350 a month if you weren't careful. There were the 15 other kids between the ages of 5 and 18 that lived within a 3 mile radius of our house but most of them were either too old or too young for me to hang out with on a regular basis. And the ones that were close in age were just as likely to be complete dickheads as generally nice people. Just because a person grows up in the boonies doesn't make them a down-home, good-natured, likable person. There were my two older sisters but when you're growing up it's just not cool to be friends with your sister. Not when you're a guy. Not when she's four grades above you.

Being in that place. Feeling totally isolated from everybody and everything. No group of kids to interact with on a regular basis, I got accustomed to being alone. To not needing that interaction to feel okay with myself. I felt totally comfortable being alone in my own skin and just doing whatever felt good on those long summer vacation days. Those days are a part of me now. I take those years with me everywhere I go. Sometimes I get tired of the world of people and all their busy-ness. I just withdraw for a while until the knots in my chest loosen up a bit. So, everyone who has emailed me in the past 2-4 weeks and hasn't received a response, please know that you're not insignificant. I will get back to you all in time. Just... not at this time. I still need some time to huddle in my hovel and do my own thing. Please be patient.

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I'm exhausted. Not the kind of physical exhaustion you achieve from an intense workout or a hard day's sweaty labour. It's more of a mental or maybe psychological exhaustion that comes from withholding one's inner self for the sake of others. Social situations and what is generally known as "proper" behaviour regularly cause us to not say exactly what we mean. We are polite and, to some extent, reserved. This is called "tact".

Some people call this behaviour "lying" but I think that's a simplistic approach. We behave this way for a reason. Very often, our first reaction to anything is tied in with a protectionist instinct. In our most mindless, panic-stricken moments we are concerned solely with self-preservation and that can be seen when we tear down that wall of "tact". We say things that deliberately put people off their guard. That make them feel defensive and reserved. The words we use when we don't stop to think are usually a little more gruff and abrasive. Unpolished. Perhaps even pushy or presumptuous. And these descriptions only apply to interactions with people we don't know very well.

With people we know, say with co-workers or casual acquaintances, it's even more important. We get accustomed to these walls buffering our baser thoughts. Shepherding our conversations in useful directions when working in groups. Trapping us in roles that don't truly represent who we are. That is why we have to step beyond all those barriers before we can truly say that we know one another. That's why close friends have those walls torn down on a semi-permanent basis. To open up to someone we need stop being tactful and, as well, realize that they will also check their politeness at the door.

I officially start my vacation tomorrow. A much needed break from the lab. The new boss has been applying pressure on certain people only and the strain on them is starting to show. He recognizes that I'm much more technically advanced than my immediate supervisor which is a huge relief for me. But at the same time it has allowed me to recognize and think more consciously about all of my supervisor's failings. Don't get me wrong. He's a great guy. He's just not an engineer. He has come by his current position as a matter of circumstance. I've been consistently frustrated by his relative inability to understand a wide variety of things. And all of that causes a flood of relatively negative emotions that come threateningly close to the surface when discussing important things.

I have tried at various times to see things through his eyes. Sometimes it seems like he's purposefully blunting or delaying me. Like I represent the things he cannot know and, like all humans, he's instinctually fearful of them (and, by extension, me). It's difficult to hold a great deal of respect for someone like that. I don't purposefully walk on him or anything like that but I've long ago lost any illusion of true respect for him. When I put in extra effort at work I do it because I'm accomplishing something. I'm doing it for me. This is both good and bad. Good because I feel much more connected and integral with this company than I have anywhere else. But bad because if I ever fail to finish something quite fast enough or well enough then the only person I've failed is myself. And occasionally it becomes acceptable to fail yourself in affairs that don't directly affect survival.

So now I'm gone. I've tried to provide any and all information my supervisor will need while I'm gone but I still expect to get a few phone calls during the 6 working days I'll be missing. It's been increasingly difficult to keep up that tactful wall with him lately. He's been under pressure to have more control over what goes on in the lab. But he doesn't understand most of the things we do so instead he micro-manages everything to death. He obsesses over the arrangement of the equipment and is overly picky about the layout of the sheet we use to report our test results. My enthusiasm has been sapped by this process and I've felt somewhat uninspired. I can't pick myself up to go in all the time on the days where I know there isn't anything important to do. This vacation is just what I need.

And now for something completely different. It's been quite a while since I've updated, so here is a pointform list of all the things I've learned since my last update.

1) Chinese girls are pretty and nice. Especially girls from Shanghai.
2) Spending 12 hours and 47 minutes straight in the Alterac Valley Battlegrounds is only worth it if you win.
3) Spending more than 17 hours in two days in constant Player vs Player combat may net you over 3200 Honorable Kills and props from your friends and online comrades as a hardcore gamer, but it will only move you from "Unranked" to "Grunt".
4) People will still visit your blog on a regular basis even when you've told them that you've slowed your updating pace.
5) There are only 5 shows that are always worth watching on Basic Cable TV. The Daily Show, South Park, The Simpsons, Family Guy, and The Ultimate Fighter.
6) Doubling the amount of RAM in your PC will drastically improve its performance.
7) Other people can constantly surprise you with their ability to overcome family heartache, pain and tragedy.
8) Ignoring the world won't stop you from thinking about it.
9) Merely thinking about the world will do nothing to change it.
10) Reaching '10' on any particular list isn't always worth the effort.

Be good while I'm gone.

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