Just Words

The music starts. A slow thrum with a quickening pace. It feels like a march. Relentlessly moving forward thoughts and ideas. If it's not stopped it'll flood the screen. Steamrolling. Snowplowing through the natural crush to make way for the unmistakably human stamp of intellect to follow. This has been building a long time.

I don't want to merely scratch the surface of my consciousness. I want to crack open my protective shell like a nutcracker, rip off the fleshy bits and post them on this blog one at a time. But even that would be a misdirection. Because it's not the shell you should be interested in.

I have felt the pain of turmoil and strife and I'm here to tell you that it's nothing to fear. My soul bleeds and I'll catch it in a cup and splash it across this screen for your perusal. I want to revel in my faults and make you jealous that you haven't. I want you to see reflections of your own faults in mine. I want you to know not only that I'm human but exactly how human I am.

Sooner or later every shy person explodes. And if you swept the pieces together you would have a collage of pain from moments lost and unspoken "I love you"s. Some people have looked at me and decided that I'm dead inside. I'm here today for you to judge the same. Would a person who was dead inside write this? Are these the words of a person with no nerve endings on their emotions?

Slice that layer off. The imagery does nothing to sway you. I challenge you to hear me. I howl my guts at the moon and wait for a response. I rip my heart out so you can see that it still beats. But how much difference did that make the last time?

The soft whisper of "I give up" sings its siren song. Floating through my brain before I squish it like a bug. It has no place here. The violent thrashings of desperation possess my body while I sleep. I can't escape this place I've found myself. I can escape, just not today.

When I'm done here I want my life to be represented by blood. Not the blood of conflict. A new definition of blood. The blood of a hard day's work. The blood that sings in your veins after a workout or when you first wake up and immediately do some jumping jacks. The blood of effort and success. The blood of a life fully lived.

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Revel in it. When it's gone you may find yourself silently wishing for it.

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