Just Words

I had a dream last night. I was surrounded by people that I knew. People close to me. But I couldn't understand any of the things they were saying to me. It was like they were speaking another language. They seemed to understand each other because they were also fighting amongst themselves over who was going to speak to me first. There seemed to be some kind of urgency to the matter. But it was enirely unclear what was so urgent. I tried to explain to them all that I couldn't understand what they were trying to say but they acted as if I hadn't spoken.

The angry people were shaking their fingers at me as though I had done something they disapproved of. It was obvious they thought I should feel ashamed about something. And they were scandalized at the thought that I had no feelings of guilt. I had no recollection of anything I might have done to upset them. I had no reason to believe that I had done anything wrong. So I ignored them.

The upset people were probably the loudest. They seemed worried about something. I thought maybe I had an injury that I couldn't feel. But a quick examination of my body and face showed that nothing was wrong. They seemed genuine in their concern for me. I could tell that they truly felt that they knew what was best for my health and welfare. But I could not find anything wrong with me. And I didn't know what they were concerned about. So I ignored them.

Some of the people were happy to see me. Like I had been gone for a long time and I had finally returned. They were trying to hug me and high five me as if I had just completed some great feat. It was obvious that they respected me and enjoyed being near me. But I couldn't understand why. There didn't appear to be anything about me that stood out. They ignored everything I said so it couldn't have been anything I told them that made them feel this way. And with that I ignored them.

Some people were simply laughing. They were enjoying themselves but I couldn't understand why. They were talking back and forth about something and gesturing towards me. Their laughter was infectious. I wanted to join in but I didn't understand what was so funny. So I ignored them, too.

The worst of all were the silent people. They didn't say anything at all. Not to me and not to each other. They seemed like they were judgmental about something but I couldn't tell what about. Was it me? The other people? They were not interested in fighting with the other people for a piece of my attention but somehow they caught most of my attention anyway. I kept thinking that I hadn't heard them speak yet. I didn't know that they didn't speak my language instead of whatever gibberish these babble-speakers spoke. These silent people might understand the things I had to say. And they might be able to tell me what was going on. When I looked at them I saw hope.

But as I tried moving towards them the babble-speakers surrounding me began talking more fervently and grabbing at my clothes. They didn't want me to leave. I tried to tell them what I was doing and why I was moving away from them but they didn't seem to hear me. The silent people started moving backwards. Away from me. Slowly at first. Like they were only trying to be polite about staying out of business that wasn't theirs. I took another step toward them and the throng around me started pulling me back. Rooting me in my spot. Pushing at me from all sides to keep me where I was. Babbling faster and louder with each attempt I made to move away from my position. They sounded hurt. Like my trying to move away from this position that they had chosen for me was a personal affront to them. They wanted me to stay where I was and they weren't going to give me the opportunity to do it on my own.

Then I woke up. And got ready for my day.

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I've been away from this for a while now. Jumping in only periodically. Part of this is an occasional social disinterest. But the greater part is my newfound, all-consuming interest in World of Warcraft. You see, the blog is like the buddies. The group of people I pal around with when I'm not doing anything more constructive, like, working or eating. And WoW is like the new girlfriend. She's fascinating and new and interesting. And right now she's consuming all of my spare time.

Now there are a few things that I know my friends are going to say because this always happens when one member of the core group gets involved with somebody:

"Where've you been? We don't hang out anymore."
"You can't spend all your time with your new girfriend or you'll be pussywhipped in no time."
"Can't you see? She's breaking up the band, man!"

But please relax. The honeymoon phase will end soon and I'll be back to my usual self in no time. In the meantime, I'm giving you the lyrics to what is rapidly becoming one of my favourite songs ever. I don't know where I picked it up or how long I've had it. The mp3 info says that it's the Rolling Stones but I was pretty sure that was wrong the minute I heard it. A simple search reveals that the mystery artist is Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs. The song is called L'il Red Riding Hood. Enjoy.


Owoooooooo
Who's that I see walkin' in these woods
Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood
Hey there Little Red Riding Hood
You sure are looking good
You're everything a big bad wolf could want
Listen to me

Little Red Riding Hood
I don't think little big girls should
Go walking in these spooky old woods alone
Owoooooooo

What big eyes you have
The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad
So just to see that you don't get chased
I think I ought to walk with you for a ways

What full lips you have
They're sure to lure someone bad
So until you get to grandma's place
I think you ought to walk with me and be safe

I'm gonna keep my sheep suit on
Until I'm sure that you've been shown
That I can be trusted walking with you alone
Owoooooooo

Little Red Riding Hood
I'd like to hold you if I could
But you might think I'm a big bad wolf so I won't
Owoooooooo!

What a big heart I have
All the better to love you with
Little Red Riding Hood
Even bad wolves can be good
I'll try to be satisfied
Just to walk close by your side
Maybe you'll see things my way
Before we get to grandma's place

Hey there Little Red Riding Hood
You sure are looking good
You're everything that a big bad wolf could want
Owoooooooo
I mean baaaaaa
Baaa

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I've come to the realization that, lately, I've been coasting in my life. The passion I once had for my work has been replaced with tolerance. I think this must be the burnout that I've heard so much about. For some reason I always thought it would happen while I working crazy hours. Not afterward when I'm just full-time and spending most days looking for other things to work on because there isn't enough testing to keep me busy. But I guess everyone's reaction is different.

In high school, I was a long distance runner. I had big dreams, big goals. I was going to conquer marathons and Ironman triathlons. I was a powerful competitor in everything I did and there wasn't anything that could stop me. But starting in the tenth grade I had a knee problem. Patella-Femoral Syndrome they called it. Growing pains. Specifically, the muscles on the outsides of my legs were stronger than the muscles on the insides of my legs and when I ran my kneecap would ride slightly out of its groove. This caused wear on the sides of the groove and made the groove wider thus making it easier for my kneecap to ride further from the groove. I never noticed any problems while I was running but the next day and usually for the whole week I would have crazy pain in both knees. For whatever reason my right worse than my left so I favoured one leg as I limped through the halls to my classes.

I didn't really know the people in my grade very well. I always got the impression from them that they weren't interested in knowing me so after a while I stopped bothering. Sometimes I wondered how they reconciled the two conflicting pieces of information they received about me. They would see me limp into class like some kind of cripple only to then hear on the announcements that I had won some race or other the day previous. Sometimes I thought that they would keep the two things separate by imagining the person on the announcements as someone else entirely. After all, it's not like anybody ever came out to watch any of the races or anything.

As a result of my injury I wasn't able to compete to my full potential back then. There was a race every Monday for the first two and a half months of school and I wasn't able to train or do very much cardio in between them. As a result, I would usually win the first race or two of the season and after that my placing would slowly drop off. I hated that. I wanted to be the best so badly. And I knew that I could do it. I saw myself digging deeper and wanting it more than the people I was competing against. To this day I contend that I was never a good athlete. I just had a bigger heart. I wanted it more.

But where is that heart now? Has it been chipped away by life's mundanities? Have I been jaded by the world and all the horrible things I've seen? The innocence destroyed by drugs. The inhumans who survive on the poorly alarmed vehicles and houses or others. The destroyers. The pain. The shallowness of people. The heartbreaks. The bitterness. The regrets about lost opportunities. The unwarranted and unjustified judgements from people who don't know me. The way most people would rather hear the story from someone else rather than question me about the truth. Didn't someone famous once say that they would love the world a lot better if not for all the people? I don't know. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance. But I don't want to see anybody about it. I want to try to fix myself before I get a professional opinion. To me, doctors are for the people who need them. And I don't need a doctor. Yet.

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It seems that some people are somewhat disturbed by my previous post. Without trying to sound too harsh, I want to say, "GOOD!" Wake up. Take a look around. Realize that there is a world around you with events and people treating other people like crap all the time. And when you see one group treating another group a certain way then you should consider what you can do about it. Consider what hand your own complacency has played in the way the world is today. Keep telling yourself that looking the other way and ignoring these things will help. And sleep well tonight for tomorrow you will be forced to wake up again.

Someone once told me that no one should point out a problem unless they had a solution for it. I disagree. It is very plausible to see a problem without seeing a viable solution. In these circumstances, the first part of the "solution" should be to bring awareness to the problem so that many people have the opportunity to be involved in solving the problem. After all, aren't many minds greater than just one? Isn't input from many people the key to a democratic society?

The previous post is directed to a nameless "you". Some people have thought that perhaps I was directing these words at a specific person. This is not true. I use this method of delivery because it makes each person who reads it think, if only for a moment, that I'm talking about them. They are (hopefully) forced to compare my words with their own behaviour and therefore react. In reaction they can either change their actions or justify them. This is the way the world has always worked. If I was directing these words at only one person and I named that person then everyone else would be "off the hook". They would be allowed to not compare my words to their own actions and selves.

Most people read when they're alone. And most people think and react differently when they are alone then when they are in a group. There is less bravado and false courage when a person is alone. They have to take everything untranslated. They cannot pretend not to know the meaning of something when they read it. I wish to point a finger at everyone's heart individually. You can claim to my face that my words mean nothing and don't affect you. But can you claim it to yourself? Can you tell yourself that I don't know what I'm talking about and that any similarity between my words and what lies inside you is merely coincidence because there's no way I could see inside you?

To those people who thought that I meant to single out a particular person, I have only this to say: If my words remind you of somebody, then maybe it has more to do with the way you see that person than with what I say. After all, if the person you're thinking of really is like the words I describe, who needs to change their course? Me, or the other person?

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Partition out the life of whichever female figurine you're with at the moment and try to control its (her?) every movement like a child moves a GI Joe action figure. Divide up a jigsaw puzzle into sections. Put each piece in its own case and label it. Check on it every day to make sure that none of the pieces are missing. Having the puzzle put together in a picture is not nearly as important as making sure every piece individually is devoted to you.

Control the women because they don't know how to control themselves. Don't let them make their own decisions because history has taught you that those decisions are not good for them. In reality, letting women make their own decisions has only led to them eventually leaving you. But everything is open for interpretation. Everything can be looked at in a more flattering light. Your ego is damaged when you accept the reality of the situation. So you make up a fantasy that you are the best thing for her and her decision to leave you is a monumental mistake on her part. Therefore, with those two "facts" lodged solidly in place, the only reasonable solution is to not let women make their own decisions. They will only dissolve away from you and engage in "self-destructive" behaviour.

Teach them how to love you. You are not like the other people. You are special. Therefore, everything a woman has learned about being with men from being with other men doesn't apply. You are bigger than life. Greater than all those other men in every way. And if it seems like you're not greater, exaggerate. Make it up. Move back into the fantasy logic that's helped your ego so much in the past.

Women are weak. All of them. But you are strong. You can help them. All of them. Any one of them could benefit from associating with you. It's your duty as a good and generous person to give a piece of yourself to as many of them as possible. Treat each one the same because no one is any greater than any other and all of them need your marvellous, brilliant, shining presence in their lives equally. If any one woman isn't attracted to you then you're not an attractive person. If any one woman does not love you then you're not capable of love. If any one woman treats you badly then you must treat them all badly in return. They must all learn the same lesson in the end anyway. And you've seen enough of them who haven't learned it yet to assume that any random woman you meet needs to learn the same thing.

Women are together on this. They are all sharing the same joke about you. About the size of your dick or the face you make when you have sex or the way you were wrong about that insignificant fact that one time. Therefore you must insinuate at every opportunity that you have a big dick. That you are excellent in the sack. And if anyone ever disagrees with you then you must argue the point and insist beyond all indication to the contrary that you are correct in all things you say. You have a monopoly on the truth. As long as you insist more fervently than the other person.

Women are possessions. Things. Having a more attractive and more powerful woman equals more status. Like baubles on a chain. Trinkets. They only know what you tell them. Like programmable, interactive puppets. They should only talk about things that you approve of. Your woman's opinion should never contradict yours. If it does it will show a lack of unity. It will allow for the illusion that she is an individual with her own opinions rather than just a female version of your thoughts and philosophies. She doesn't need to understand what you're saying. In fact, it's better if she doesn't because she'll never really understand and if she thinks she does then she'll want to put it into her own words which will only take the edge off of your superbly articulate expression. Actually, upon further reflection, no woman would be able to digest the hefty topics your mind encompasses. Far better for them to just talk about makeup and fashion and other women stuff.

Own her. Use her. She only has one purpose. And when you're done with her leave her on the shelf. Discredit her. Attempt to convince everyone you know that she's not worth as much as you once thought. If she has a self-esteem when you leave her then you've lost somehow.

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