Just Words

One of the greatest Canadians ever, Pierre Berton has died today at 84. May the world one day again know a man of such intellect and regard.

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I'm light-headed. My throat is dry. The adrenaline surged momentarily with the thought of retaliation. And with the adrenaline came the shortness of breath. The pounding in my chest. The buzzing numbness in my forearms. I want to explain so much. I want to get through to him. But I know better.

He can't be reached because he has closed his mind to the possibility. He thinks he's protecting himself from me. He thinks he needs protection from me. He dares me to counter him. He challenges me. He wants desperately to engage me. He wants to know that this rift between us holds some sport for him. He needs the conflict to feel alive. Probably to feel anything at all.

He can't comment here because I won't let him. I've blocked his IP address and if he tried to move around it I would only erase any comments he left here. And because of this he says that I ran away. That I'm a coward because I refuse to engage. He says that I'm weak because I refuse to fight. I disagree. There is more strength in restraint than in giving in to the urge to retaliate.

I gave up on him. I gave up trying to tell him why he shouldn't do certain things or act in certain ways. I gave up on telling him why certain jokes weren't funny and shouldn't be spoken. I gave up on apologizing to other people because of him. I gave up making excuses for him when I introduced him to new people that I met. I tried and tried and tried. I always knew what he was like. But I guess I always thought he would change over time. He didn't.

I was the one who was wrong. I was the one who couldn't see the situation for what it was. I was the one who expected things of him that he couldn't deliver. I was the one who didn't do anything about this earlier. I was the one who should have known better. And for all of that, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I ever said anything to hurt him. Maybe I should have let him do whatever he wanted to do. Say whatever he wanted to say about my family like he mattered more to me than they did. Maybe I should have let him hurt me even more instead of shutting him out the way I did. I guess I couldn't take the cutting insults anymore. Maybe that does make me weak.

I don't know why he does the things he does. I don't know why he felt the need to insult my sister about something that he told me he put to rest a month before. I don't know why he turns on people the way he does. I don't know why he continues to go to their blogs and read what they have to say. I don't know why he cares enough about their opinions to bother to comment. I don't know why he feels the need to send me inflammatory emails. I don't know why he can't just live his life in whatever peace and happiness is available to him. I don't know why he doesn't just go away. I've given him every opportunity.

I hope his life goes well. I wish only the best for him. I hope that he will have many other friends to rely on while I'm gone from his life. I hope that he can find some way to quell the rage inside him. I don't want anyone to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. That's why I went away. Because I do care about the friendship we had. I want there to be a day when I can sit down with him and we can laugh together about crazy, silly things. But when this whole mess happened I realized that, at that time, the only thing I had to add was more negativity. So I volunteered to stop. I put up a wall of silence. Partly to stop his words from reaching me. But also to assist myself in not giving anything back.

I want to restrain myself. I don't want to fight about this crap. I would rather be the one who spends most weekends alone than the one that people are afraid to cross because the same nastiness might happen to them as happened to me. I'm happy with my path in this. If he tries to dump on me some more. Sends more emails. Puts up more posts on his "relentless" blog. Continues to go to his ex-girlfriend's mom's site to call me "sad". None of that matters. I don't intend to address him directly again until I can do so on civil terms. And if that never happens again then so be it. I will always know that I tried. Even if all I succeed in doing is to never call him down, then maybe that's, at least, what his friendship meant to me. Something to be honoured even in death.

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So I just finished watching Oliver Stone's newest film 'Alexander'. First off, I'd like to say how much I've enjoyed every single Oliver Stone film I'd ever seen to date and when I first heard that he was making an epic about Alexander the Great I was more than thrilled. When it first came out I heard that there was some kind of kerfuffle about Alexander being bisexual in the movie. And after that I heard that it got a lot of bad reviews. Could be coincidence. No way to say either way, really.

So, yeah, Alexander is bisexual in this movie, by the way. In case you thought that the bisexuality was a small part that was mentioned maybe once or twice and glossed over, I'm here to tell you that it's actually a part of the central plot to the story. Without giving anything away, Alexander is in a physical relationship with one of his soldiers. There aren't any gratuitous homosexual sex scenes or anything like there would be if it were two women (doesn't everybody like lesbians?) But the theme is explored and explained in a few different ways. Including some scenes of extreme jealousy from Alexander's "barbarian" wife in the story.

Be forewarned. If you are homophobic you will hate this movie. The men touch each other lovingly (hands on necks and faces, that sort of thing) and tell each other that they love each other. In my opinion, it was portrayed tastefully without sacrificing the truth of how Greeks of that period of history lived and without sparing the audience any of the tension that is caused by jealous wives and male lovers. Where's the former governor of New Jersey now?

That said, I thought the battle scenes were not done as well as some films of this genre. Braveheart and Lord of the Rings are still untouched in battle scene supremacy. The battle photography seems to mostly portray the choppy, chaotic effect that hand-to-hand combat would have been with spears and short swords. Personally, I would have preferred more about the use of the phalanx and the actual maneuvers used rather than merely a few examples of likely battle maneuvers that are given. And maybe a bit more about the different places that were conquered. But I guess Oli Stone wasn't making a movie for just me.

When I was in the seventh grade I learned about Alexander the Great in Social Studies. I thought he was the greatest conqueror of any age. Unmatched in combat, leadership, strategy and sheer force of will. If he had lived to a ripe old age he would have gone back to conquer the jungles of India as well as both Rome and Carthage and then history would have been irrevocably changed. I saw all this at the impressionable age of twelve.

I fantasized about what it would be like to be that kind of conqueror. To conquer the greatest empire, almost the entire known world, in just half a lifetime. To cut the Gordian Knot, doing away with all that foolishness like a hurricane does away with a straw hut. I wanted to conquer the world the way he did. To unite everyone under one house. One banner. Give everyone the sense to realize that we're all just human and we can accomplish so much more united than we can divided.

But that damn Gordian Knot really bothered me. I toyed with the notion of taking over the world throughout much of my late teens and early twenties. Mostly as a running gag. A joke to pull out at parties to hijack conversations. But my mind always went back to the Gordian Knot with a note of sadness. A puzzle that no one ever solved. Some tried. But after Alexander the Great was finished with it no one else ever got the chance. I would have liked the chance.

That was when I started to realize that I wasn't anything like Alexander the Great and my (facetious) obsession with world domination started to fade. I would never have cut the Gordian Knot. I would have been too stubborn and too reverent of whatever mind devised such a clever puzzle. And then the joke at parties changed from me steamrolling over the world to me arraying my troops for battle and the enemy defeating me by tossing me an unfinished rubik's cube. Distraction defeats me more often than anything else.

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I love music. I've listened earnestly to everything I've ever heard and kept with me whatever has made me happy. I've collected CD's and mp3's since time began. Until recently I've been music-less at work. They have a radio in the office but other than the few times a day I go in there it's just the noise of the machines. When I work weekends I bring my laptop in and hook "real" speakers to the audio output and listen to whatever I want because typically I'm the only one there.

This week I decided that I'd had enough of the drone of machinery. I chopped down my playlist to exclude anything that my boss might think is inappropriate at work and I've been playing my own music all week. It's been great except that I need more than just 1500 or so mp3's. But that's fine. I can always get more music. Right, Marcel?

Today, I got off work early and went to the mall to go gift idea shopping. I stopped by Future Shop on the way and picked up a cheap pair of earphones. I plugged them into my laptop audio output and I've been playing my full playlist (~2800 mp3's) ever since. I "plugged in" around 2 PM. I talked a while with the guys at work (with one ear-jack in) and then walked home. I chatted with Kristy when I got it and loaned her one ear-jack so she could listen too. It's now 5:30 PM and I've just realized... I don't ever want to be without music again for a single moment as long as I live.

I've felt very primal lately. When I walk, I walk in silence. I watch the cars pass and pay attention to not bump into any other pedestrians. But I'm almost always alone. Thinking. Chewing my emotions like shoe leather. Churning myself over. Wanting to express all the impulsive thoughts and feelings I've had over the past week but, largely, being unable.

Today, I walked with music playing lightly in my ears. I'm the kind of person who can't help but sing or voice lightly whatever song is playing in my ear. Especially if my brain has nothing else to focus on. I feel that there's a connection between the words and the music. And when I hum or sing along I connect myself to those meanings that much more. The increase in oxygen intake improves my mood physiologically. But it's more than that.

I feel something inside me wanting to get out when I sing along with the music. Like there's finally a connection between my inner self and my outer self. I feel like the music is more a part of me. Like I own it in some small way. All I really know is that I'm not going to stop any time soon.

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Go where you're not wanted. Harass people and call them down. Belittle them. Imply that they are lesser. Claim that the nature of the technology allows you to say whatever you want. And then when people use technology to stop you call them cowards.

Bring the hatred to a boil in your heart-kettle. You need more ways to get your negativity across. Not enough people are understanding it yet. A relentless man has either assumed that he will never be wrong or accepted that he will be wrong but doesn't give a shit. Neither is a good reason to follow him.

Come here and read these words. Claim that you understand them better than anyone else can and re-translate them for the people you claim aren't as intelligent as you. Don't bother to just let people read them in the context they are provided. People are too stupid to understand the "hidden meanings" that you can get from them. Displaying the facts as they stand is journalism. Re-processing the words for others is propaganda. Make your choice.

Do the people you know need to be told what to think? Are you courageous enough to let them come to their own conclusions without interference? Or are you afraid that, if left to their own machinery, their thoughts and feelings will contradict yours. I don't think you can afford to take that chance. You'd better translate for them.

Tell them what to think and believe. It'll be better this way in the long run. Foster weakness and lack of diversity in your companions. Don't stop at healthy debate. Make it personal. What is a contest without stakes? When someone disagrees with you, make it hurt. If there's going to be a loser then that person should be recognized as the loser. Make sure everybody knows the script you provided them. You don't want anyone stepping out of the party line.

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I slept in today. My hair was still wet as I walked to work. I felt chilled. It reminded me of Fort St. John in the winter. Working on the rigs. Starting at 7:30 AM after the morning gusts had time to pick up. Thawing out eyelashes and snot-cicles every 15 minutes. Every shred of exposed skin was a frostbite hazard. There are only two things you can do in weather like that. Stand still and hope it goes away quickly. Or keep moving, working and fighting against it.

The chill will seep to your bones if you let it. Fight back with teeth exposed in a snarl. Live in spite of the harsh conditions surrounding you. I learned a lot about life during my relatively short time on the rigs. Most importantly, I learned that I didn't want to fucking do that for the rest of my life.

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Close your eyes. Turn inward. Think of yourself. Your consciousness. What life means to you. What you'd do to keep it. What you'd do to protect those you love. Why? If you have to ask that then you might as well quit now.

Open your eyes. Pretend you're awake. Nod your head when people talk to you as if you understand. Realize that it's not that you don't understand but rather that you don't care. Ignore the world. Protect yourself. Don't feel safe enough by simply preparing your own defenses. Make pre-emptive strikes. Hurt the people you consider important or powerful. Keep them far away. Keep them from getting close.

You don't want anyone close to you who might be able to see inside you and discover things about you. You want someone just a little more brainless than that. Actually, that's wrong. You want someone who can identify things inside you without having to be told. But you already know what you want them to realize. And you get frustrated when they see something different.

Something is moving in the world that has nothing to do with you. Plans are moving forward that you didn't set into motion. You can't rely on the stupid people to understand what you say and you can't rely on the smart people to come to the same conclusions you've come to. You need the pretentious people who are not as smart as you but who desperately want to be. The people who will either fake their lack of understanding or bend their perception to coincide with yours. The people who need you for their very identity. The people who cannot love themselves without also loving you.

Throw a fit when something doesn't go our way. Go back to bed and ignore the world. Attempt to hurt the people who are genuinely trying to help you because you never intended them to know the secret details of your biggest failings as a person. Make them feel as if it's their fault or something they did. If you can, make them feel guilty. At the slightest provocation, lose control. Make your anger something to be feared and respected. With the reins of fear and respect you can drive the armies of the world.

Waking visions of the future can tell a lot about a person. But it's only a small piece of the puzzle. Just as important is how the waking dreamer feels about what they see. With those two pieces of information an incredibly vivid picture of the inside of a person can be seen. But the only person who knows for sure what the dreamer dreams is the dreamer.

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So I was reading in this article today about a school district in Pennsylvania that's decided that the evolution of the species is, after all, only a theory. And since Creationism is not provable as fact, they've decided to cling to a new version of the same thing called Intelligent Design. This seems like a good time to face off on the topic of science vs religion.

I haven't read Darwin's Origin of the Species. I'm not sure if it says explicitly that God did not create man and the animals and the plants, etcetera. But I do know that the theories put forth in its pages imply that the Bible's account of the first 7 days of existence are inaccurate. For some reason, this has become a sticky issue for many Christians. But I think it's worth stating that it's only a sticky issue if you take the Bible as a literal translation of events.

The only part of the biblical account of creation that science disagrees with is the amount of time it took to happen. The order of events is surprisingly accurate. From what I've seen, Darwin did not have enough evidence to say that god doesn't exist. The best he could do was say that the state of our world and the physical evidence left here on this planet from ages past more than merely suggests that the "7 day" theory in the first chapter of Genesis is wrong.

Why couldn't God have crafted the world, the animals and humankind in a multi-billion year process of evolution? After all, was God in a hurry to get the job over with in only 7 days? If God is truly immortal then why wouldn't he take his time? Take a billion years or so to spin a blob of molten material off of the burning ball of hydrogen and wait for it to cool. Spend a few hundred million years fiddling with different kinds of large reptiles so that his intelligent creations would have ample energy resources to fuel their imaginations. Who's to say that the process of evolution isn't God's own selection technique for creating the kinds of people He wants. Don't modern-day Christians use this "survival-of-the-fittest religion" to justify the negative treatment of Muslims and Buddhists and Hindus?

I know this may sound unfair to some Christians out there because they don't all think this way. But if you're a Christian, ask yourself this question: have you ever participated in, contributed to, or otherwise condoned to use of missionaries for the purpose of converting people in faraway regions? I realize that these missions also attempt to feed, clothe and educate these people. But in this education, is Evolution taught alongside Creationism? Or is Evolution left behind?

Are these faraway people given a strictly Christian education? If the missionaries weren't allowed to teach about Christianity, would they still go to these faraway places for humanitarian aid purposes? It's easy to say yes. But ask the people who organize these missions whether or not they would consider doing this.

Ask a Christian what happens to the soul of a Hindu or a Buddhist when they die. Would they give the same answer if it was a Hindu of Buddhist who never heard of Christianity? Are all people of all other faiths doomed to an afterlife of damnation? Or are they only doomed if they had the opportunity to convert to Christianity and chose not to? If the answer is yes, then is Christianity the first among religions with all others coming in somewhere behind?

What about a person who believes in God but not the Bible? Are they still doomed in the afterlife? I always like that story about the sinner and the do-gooder. You know, the one where the sinner cheated people his whole life and at the last minute swore himself to God and was saved whereas the do-gooder lived a clean life without harming anyone but never ever said the words "I love you, Jesus" and therefore was doomed to hell for eternity. What kind of message does that send? Let's see, I can drink, gamble, fuck, cheat and steal and as long as I give it all up before my final hour I'll be saved. Where do I sign?

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I'm fed up with work. Working too many hours. Addicted to the overtime money though. Stupid Student Loan debt. Soon I'll be out of debt though. Which will be the first step toward world domination.

Almost finished reading Destination: Void. I know, I know. I started it months ago and it's not even a very long book. But I've been busy. Shut up. Anyways, the book is a sci-fi about 4 people on a ship heading out of the solar system and they find that they are forced to make artificial intelligence to complete their journey. Yeah, a little contrived but that's okay. It's just a backdrop for the examination of human consciousness. Here's an excerpt from today's read:

Flattery: "How do you control what must be beyond control? I've already told you. Love."

Bickel: "You don't control it. You merely aim it...and the aiming device has to be instincts. As you say, Raj, it must love us, be loyal to us. But does that mean it will worship us? Are we to be its gods? And if it's to be loyal, does that mean it has to have a conscience? Can there be loyalty without a conscience? And can it have a conscience without experiencing guilt?"

I love the way Frank Herbert finds a way to bring up the important questions. It's like philosophy for the layman.

Earlier today I watched Midnight Cowboy. At first I didn't know what it was because I was just flipping channels but I recognized the goofy-looking Texan from somewhere. It turned out to be Jon Voight. Wow has he ever aged since 1969. But then, I guess that was 35 years....

Yesterday I paid an additional $1500 in debt over and above my regular monthly payments. At this rate I can be completely debt-free in about 8 months. But that's 8 months of living poor. Walking to work. Eating cheese and baloney sandwiches for lunch. Racking up the overtime as much as possible to keep my paychecks high. No fancy dinners or nights out on the town. Just me and my blog. For 8 months. Yeah, ,I 'm guessing I'll want to stretch that out a little.

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The other day I was reading Chloe's Blog and I noticed that I was banned from commenting on her site. I was fairly certain that she hadn't banned me specifically so I figured that she must have banned me accidentally when she banned a range of IP's. I was running wireless from my laptop that day and I knew that my IP address had been changing quite a bit lately because I had been resetting my modem and router quite often. I decided to check what my latest IP was to see if I could see the source of the problem.

It seemed to me, at the time, that the easiest way to check out my IP address was to go to my blog and check my stats counter. And lo and behold it was a brand spanking new IP address. Just like I predicted. But then I noticed something odd. As I was scanning through my stats a little more closely I noticed that my newest IP address had gone to my blog several times that day during the time I was at work. I figured Kristy didn't do it because she doesn't use my laptop. It must have been someone with a wireless LAN card somewhere in my neighbourhood that was logging on through my router. It happens all the time when you don't filter out MAC addresses.

I quickly ruled out all the obvious and ridiculous answers. I wondered at how difficult it would be to hack into my router from the internet side to use it as some sort of masking port. Pretty difficult. And besides all that, whoever was accessing the net through my wireless router was doing so to visit my blog. Although I felt certain that that's not all they were accessing.

I didn't have time to check out the MAC address logins through my router that night. The next night I was having problems connecting to the internet with my desktop PC and my laptop was having difficulty logging into the admin functions of my router. But the laptop connected to the net just fine wirelessly so I thought little of it. Last night I took a break and neglected the internet and both PC's entirely. This morning I tried to check email quickly before work on my laptop and I noticed that I wasn't able to connect. Very strange.

I was thinking about it while I was at work today and it occurred to me that there was one possibility that I hadn't thought of yet. It's possible that it's not that someone else is accessing the internet through my wireless router but that I'm accessing the internet through someone else's wireless router. And maybe they looked at the MAC address logins and filtered me out. In that case, the fact that whoever it is is visiting my blog is merely coincidence. I've heard that it can happen.

When I got home earlier today, I checked it. I pulled the power plug on my router, powered up my laptop and, sure enough, I was assigned an IP address but was still denied access to the net. Just like what would happen when the MAC address is filtered. I know because I filtered myself once just to try it. I then powered up first the router and then the desktop PC and received no IP address. Bypassed the router with the desktop PC and renewed the IP and the damn thing worked fine. My god damn router is not working and I've been accessing the internet wirelessly through somebody else's WLAN router for at least four days.

So, the moral of this story is, IF YOU LIKE IN KELOWNA NEAR 780 FRANCIS AVENUE YOU NEED TO EMAIL ME AT SPENCERWATSON@GMAIL.COM IMMEDIATELY.

Aaaaannnnd I'm out.

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So, I don't know if anyone who reads this remembers the collection agency incident from way back in May, but this is the conversation I had with one of the modern-day knee-breakers back then. Contrast that against this conversation from earlier today.

Me: Hello? Yes, I'm calling about my student loan debt.

Knee-Breaker: Yes, I see. When was your last payment?

Me: I believe the last check was dated the 18th of September.

Knee-Breaker: Yes I see it here. Are you able to settle this account at this time?

Me: No.

Knee-Breaker: Are you going to continue to make payments?

Me: Yes.

Knee-Breaker: Great. Do you have our mailing address?...

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I don't know. Maybe the lady was just in a bad mood that day back in May? I guess all I really had to do get it through their heads that I couldn't pay the whole thing right away and everything seems much less tense now. It makes no difference to me if I'm making payments to the bank for a consolidation loan or to the collection agency. It might make a little difference on my credit rating but that's already pretty ruined so whatever.

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I just had this (imaginary) conversation run through my head and I decided to get it down because I think it belongs in a story somewhere. And then I decided that it would be way more fun to just post it as a random bit on the blog. And it's official: I have no idea where I come up with these things.

Him: So I see you got roses for your birthday.

Her: Yes. Aren't they beautiful?

Him: Isn't it remarkable how we seem to rate people in our lives based on what they can give us?

Her: That's a little materialistic but I suppose it's more true than false.

Him [slightly devious]: I could give you something much better than roses. Better than anything, actually.

Her: What could be better than anything else?

Him: I could give you yourself.

Her [puzzled]: Give me myself? Like give me to me?

Him: That's right.

Her [curious]: But I already have me. How do you propose to give me something I already have?

Him [nonchalant]: It's simple. I would take it away first.

Her [skeptical]: Take it away first. Right. And assuming you could accomplish this, what makes you think this would be such a great thing?

Him: Because people don't appreciate things until they're gone.

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Well, as of 1 PM this afternoon my part in the aforementioned battle is complete. The rest is out of my hands. Sometimes I wonder why these things seem so personal to me. Why I feel the need to work myself like a dog just to meet the unrealistic expectations of customers. And then I realize that it's mostly because I'm a professional. I can say the words "I can't". But I don't like to say them unless I've given my best effort first.

Some people say that anything is possible. I disagree. I think that anything is possible if given enough time and materials. I think this is the basic difference between the prudent goal-setter and the unrealistic dreamer. Not that all dreams are necessarily unrealistic. But unrealistic dreams are, by definition, the least likely to become reality. Dreaming and goal-setting are both important, but separate, parts of success. Each one is useless without the other.

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This is it. The R&R of the long weekend is over. Its rejuvenating effects have had all the chance they're going to get to heal and prepare me. Today it's back to the trenches. Only today isn't going to be an ordinary day. It's going to be the start of a major battle. An offensive to take back ground that was lost last week. Our unhappy customer has told us that their business is ours to win or lose. No matter how unfair their feelings of unhappiness with our service are, this is the situation I now must face.

Today is my turn to do battle with the beast. I am at the front lines. If I lose today then the whole thing collapses and tomorrow won't matter. But if I win today then tomorrow the other people in the complex mesh of consequences still have to pull through with their part of the effort. It's a little deflating to think that I could do everything right today and we still might not win. But that's what being on a team is about. So I have to not worry about any of that. Focus on the task at hand. Get my part finished with no mistakes so that the next part is as easy as I can make it. Today, this battle belongs to me. And I don't intend to lose.

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I don't usually do a lot for Remembrance Day. I usually work it so I can get an extra long weekend out of my year. But a long time ago I took the time to memorize Flanders Fields and every once in a while I recite it to myself. Its words haunt me from time to time. A reminder that the pen truly is mightier than the sword. That words can conquer a soul. That there is meaning beyond just war. That the loneliness of war can stretch beyond death into the spirit of the living.

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place and in the sky
The larks still bravely singing fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below

We are the dead short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow
Loved and were loved and now we lie
In Flanders Fields

Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you from failing hande we throw
The torch, be yours to hold it high
Though the larks still singing fly
In Flanders Fields

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So the hell week is over. Some of our test results contradicted another lab's test results and we were forced to question our test setup and the quality of our equipment. Unfortunately we didn't have a backup available because that particular piece of equipment is normally very reliable. We re-did the test another way and got results that appeared to coincide with what the other lab measured. Everything was right with the world again, right? Wrong.

Replacement equipment for the (supposedly) malfunctioning test equipment arrived yesterday and new tests appeared to prove that our measurements had all been correct in the first place (before we questioned them and re-did the test a new way). But we had already told the other lab that our measurements agreed with theirs. To go back now and tell them that we once again thought their measurements were wrong would make us look like we didn't know what we were talking about. And engineers are people who certainly do not want to not know what they're talking about. So I did some research. Performed some comparison tests. And I studied the different test methods. I went into the scientific method so I could rely on basic principles to solve the problem. And lo and behold, I found it.

After questioning my own work, not to mention my sanity, several times I was (finally) able to solve the problem and prove that wheels roll, sticks point, water is wet and that the universe as a whole is still a simple place. I knew the magical answer. But then came the issue of telling my boss. He's not an engineer, you see. And technical solutions have to be explained very carefully to him so that he won't think I'm trying to blind him with flashy jargon and give him false data just to get him off my back. The greater part of this morning was spent convincing him that I did, in fact, know what I was talking about and that, overall, the way we're running things doesn't need to change very much at all.

Then came the dreaded phone call to the other lab whose results didn't agree with ours. The engineer we talked to seemed to take it well. He carefully noted that the manufacturer of this device said that the radio couldn't even do what we claimed it was doing. Of course, it couldn't be a very comforting feeling knowing that all of his measurements might need to be re-done so I could understand if he was a bit defensive. But we stuck to our guns and happily agreed to ship him our sample so he could see for himself. So, everything was good again, right? Wrong.

Not 15 minutes later a different client called us and informed us that our testing times are a concern for them. They even threatened to pull out all testing and never use us again. Not an idle threat or a comforting thought considering we do a lot of testing for them. But the reality is that they've sent us 6 different projects in the last month. Each with several days to a week of testing to be performed. Of the 6 devices, one has been shipped back to them for repair, another has poor performance and will take extra time to test (and is waiting their approval for the extra money before we'll proceed), 2 are completed and the other two are both half completed.

Going to another lab won't really help this manufacturer with the 2 devices that aren't working properly because another lab will have just as much trouble testing them as we have. Unless, of course, they fudge the results. In which case they'll probably win the client over in spades by having no problems with the testing when we had so many and even wanted to charge for extra test time.

So now, in order to keep these guys happy and coming back we have to have the test reports of the 2 functioning radios (how long will they stay functioning?) completed by Wednesday of next week. Which means that I need to have completed the testing by Monday before I leave work. And I decided that this was the weekend I was going to take off. For the scorecard, that's 2 devices, 14 tests apiece. At a half hour per test I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Stupid, ignorant, stubborn manufacturers who's only bottom line is the dollar sign. Piece of shit radios that give questionable results because their performance is so crappy and that occasionally decide to stop working after only a few minutes. Fucking test labs that can't get their shit together on what the actual results are and might actually be tailoring the data to fit the manufacturer's specifications. No-integrity bastards. We lose more business because we refuse to cook results than for all other reasons combined. This industry isn't about keeping up safety standards for people who use the products. It's about the illusion of keeping up safety standards for people who use the products. Sleep tight.

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I forgot to mention. I got sucked into the Reality TV world last night while sitting in the living room putting together Kristy's bike. Got watching the newest Fox show, Rebel Billionaire, starring none other than Richard Branson. It's kind of a cross between The Apprentice and Fear Factor, I guess. The best part about the show is that Branson actually does all the crazy stunts himself with the contestants. I might just be climbing out of my computer room down the hall for the next episode...

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Work is really painful right now. We have a piece of equipment that is normally our most reliable (and simple) item that has now officially failed. I say "now officially failed" because it started failing sometime last week and I just noticed it for sure yesterday. So most of yesterday was spent tracking down how many tests were affected (and thus must be redone) and how to narrow the chances of this happening again. Exhausting.

My boss is upset because he has to tell clients that their test reports are going to be even later than he already told them. And that's never a happy thing when things are as busy as they are. But I'm still taking this weekend off no matter what happens. I may have to work every weekend between this one and christmas but I definitely need a break now.

I set up Kristy's new exercise bike in the living room last night and then promptly fell asleep on the couch to the low drone of cable TV. I had multiple chopped-up dreams that seemed to flip back and forth between 3 main themes: me playing basketball on a large court where my teammates seemed to their feet stapled to the floor; chopping up vegetables of all sorts (all at once) to use in some kind of stir-fry (which I've never done in real life); and everyone I know being the only participants in a chess tournament while I moved between games and greeted people. There were other little flashes between but these 3 kept popping up. Overall it's strange because I don't think I could have been switching channels.

I've had an extraordinary amount of deja vu since the new guy showed up. This is occurring the way I described previously in this post where multiple layers seem to be connecting past instances of deja vu with the current ones. The curious part is that there seems to be an underlying thought of November 11th attached to each of the deja vu memories like maybe I also saw something about that date in all the layers. But then again, I suppose it's always a curious thing when you refer to remembering something that's happened before, has happened again and has yet to happen. And on that note, have a good day.

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Kristy: Could you replace my windshiper wheels tomorrow?

Me: Windshiper wheels? Don't you mean windshield wipers?

Kristy: That's just what I've always called them.

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I took the day off work today because it's just too frustrating working every day for as long as I can remember on devices that don't even work well enough to complete an entire test. Instead, I dug out an old box of CD's I had stashed away. The following is a list of songs that I have made a particular point of listening to so far today. I'm forced to give a questionable taste warning before allowing anyone to read this list. I've listened to a lot of different music in my life.

Soup Dragons - Divine Thing
Manowar - Master Of The Wind
Queensryche - Silent Lucidity
Seven Mary Three - Cumbersome
Chuck Berry - My Dingaling
Gowan - Criminal Mind
Big House - Dollar In My Pocket
Harem Scarem - Something To Say
Killjoys - Today I Hate Everyone
Jackyl - She Loves My Cock
Colin James - 5 Long Years
Tom T Hall - Faster Horses
Damn Yankees - High Enough
World On Edge - Wash The Rain
Deadline - Friend In Me
Skid Row - Can't Stand The Heartache
Presidents Of The United States Of America - Candy
Slik Toxik - White Lies/Black Truth
Green Jelly - House Me Teenage Rave
Garth Brooks - Standing Outside The Fire
The Nails - 88 Lines About 44 Women
Watchmen - All Uncovered
Chicago - You're The Inspiration
Sonic Youth - 100%
Dire Straits - Heavy Fuel
Tripping Daisy - I Got A Girl
Harry Belafonte - Jump In The Line
Northern Pikes - Girl With A Problem
Matthew Sweet - Sick Of Myself
PM dawn - Set Adrift On Memory Bliss
Oasis - What's The Story Morning Glory (the whole album)

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The human brain is a lot like a computer processor. There are two basic types of processors, RISC (Reduced Instruction Set Computer) and CISC (Complex Instruction Set Computer). A home PC processor is a CISC processor because of the vast number of different functions required for the vast number of different home users. One might ask, why would anyone want a RISC processor? Well, basically, reducing the number of different functions in the processor can greatly increase its usable speed. Most of the world's supercomputers are RISC processors. Their intent and function is specialized to greatly enhance the processing speed.

Quite a while ago, someone discovered that it was possible to combine the two kinds of processors to make a CISC processor with the computing speeds comparable to a RISC processor. The idea was simple. The existing CISC processor design would look for various combinations of commands that occur repeatedly in a particular sequence. Then it would create a sub-routine that would contain that particular sequence of commands. And after that point, whenever the processor is asked to perform a certain function it only has to execute one command to the sub-routine instead of a long list of commands. Great idea. I believe this computing method is commonly used today.

So, what the hell am I talking about and why, you ask? Well, my original point had to do with computer processors being like the human brain. Pick something you do every day, like showering. Think about how you go about getting clean in the shower or drying off afterwards. Chances are you do it the same way every day. Why? Because the conscious part of your brain doesn't want to be bogged down with all the mundanities (is that a word?) of the individual movements made while you shower. Instead, while you're showering you're probably thinking consciously about all kinds of things that have little or nothing to do with showering. The process of getting clean will still be around you. The soap is occasionally in a different place because your roommate moves it from time to time so you'll have to spare a little processor time finding and identifying it. But it's very likely that your brain has put all the conscious movements of showering into a semi-conscious sub-routine which works much like an "auto-pilot". Agree?

Now, to take this concept one step further. I believe that all human brains with higher function behave in this manner. However, with some people the process gets foiled up. They get "stuck" in one of their own semi-conscious sub-routines and they feel that in order to accomplish something that seems simple (like showering and drying off afterward) they need to perform all the actions the same way they always have done. In other words, they have problems adapting to new or dissimilar environments. When it gets worse, they find that larger and more complex sequences of regular events must occur in a certain order and in a certain place or their brain can't handle it. I'm thinking of "As Good As It Gets" where Jack Nicholson has to go to the same restaurant, sit at the same table and have the same waitress in order to feel that the world is "not wrong" for him.

In essence, I guess I'm saying that everyone has the process in their heads that could lead to things like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). But each person handles that process differently. If it helps, think of computer processors. Think about the way they "learn" and the pitfall that must be faced when they must "re-consider" how to do something. Most people resist the forces of change in their lives to some degree or other.

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Fucking new-fangled BIOS settings. Fucking Windows XP and its fussy hardware settings. Fucking Linux and the mere fact that I know little or nothing about it and not enough time to learn. Fucking lack of any other alternative to Windows.

You know what I think would be good for the economy? Treat Microsoft, and for that matter the entire software industry, just like pharmaceutical companies. Drug-makers get to sell the new drugs they discover (invent?) with patent protection for a limited time. After a certain time they are forced to licence out their innovations to third-party producers so (a)lower-income people in the marketplace can get the products at a lower price and (b)companies with the means to produce new innovations are not allowed to rest on their laurels but, instead are encouraged to make new things in order to keep their income rolling in.

The products make it to more people at a more affordable price and innovation is driven by its own market demands. The people who deserve to earn big profit from proprietary knowledge are allowed to earn it but not allowed to skin the population alive. And, third party innovators will be allowed to add their own additions to old, stale software products.

In the case of computer operating system software, the core technology would all be made by the same company so there's a good chance we wouldn't have to give up any of the cross-the-board compatibility that we've come to love. And maybe then Microsoft would feel a little pressure to invest some of the 1 billion dollars cash per month they make into developing their new 64-bit compatible OS a little faster than at a snail's pace.

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Windows XP doesn't want to install on my brand new pc. I keep forgetting to bring the charger for my laptop home. At work we just got 7 more projects that are due by the end of the month. The new guy interrupts me every time I try to get onto Blogger. And when I get here it's slow. Life's catching up. Need to sleep less so I can get my home PC working. Then everything else will start to fall into place.

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I've been extremely busy the last few days. It's mostly work that's been draining me. We had a new guy start work on Monday (yesterday?) and I've been training him to do my job. This is the first time I've ever trained anybody and I hadn't fully anticipated how difficult it was going to be. It seems like every spare moment is taken up with explanations of how to do stuff. The upside is that he learns quickly. That makes it so much easier. I'm home now and I still feel like my blood is buzzing from the high energy level I've had to keep up all day.

I built most of my new PC last night. Figured out all the jumper settings and installed all the cards. Now I need to swap hard drives with my existing PC to start testing hardware settings. After that will be the installation of Windows on the new hard drive, transfer documents and get the old PC ready for my mom. Hopefully I can get all that done tonight. The case for my sister's computer will be here the day after next and I don't want to get backed up with projects. I love playing with computer hardware and building new PC's. It's a labour of love.

Watched a new movie that I bought last week for $6 in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. Ravenous. I can understand how it wouldn't be everybody's taste in movie but I personally thought it was awesome. Cannibal activity leading to the supernatural. Yum.

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